THE QUESTION

“I’ve been hurt before but this feels like death.  Like I lost a loved one and I am in love with him.  And I don’t understand why he hurts me.” Emailer

The other day I was driving and an old song by George Benson came on the radio.  The part that caught my attention says, “You’ve got the love, you’ve got the power, but you just don’t understand.  Girl, you’ve been charging by the hour for your love.”

Many women, do not understand that we as women, truly have the power and when you do not understand how powerful your love is, you will do just as the song says, “charge by the hour.”

Well Patricia, what exactly does charging by the hour mean?  Well, to me, it means you do not know who you are as a woman which keeps you in a relationship where a man does not know who you are either.

As a woman, it is your duty of love to know who you are. To know what you will and will not tolerate so you will not end up in a relationship like the woman who sent this message.

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THE COACH

As I give relationship advice to women, I do not speak from theory which many relationship experts do; they are not in a relationship, but give you advice that is not working for themselves.

As a relationship expert, I speak from experience.  I learned how to turn my love around by taking action on steps that were given to me, which I will share with you as well.

I know what it feels like to be in a relationship where a man disrespects your feelings, treats you like less than the woman you are, and cheats on you, lies to you, and then turns around and tell you he loves you.

Dear sister that is not love.  Love is not disrespectful.  Love does not lie, it does not cheat, it does not tell you one thing and then does something different.

I stayed in an ungodly soul tie because I did not know who I was as a woman and I left it up to him to tell me who I was, but that was not his job.

It was my job to find out who I was as a woman when it came to being in a relationship with a man.  It was my job to find out what I liked and what I did not like.  It was my job to find out what I was willing to put up with just a little bit and what I was not willing to put up with at all.

Often times as women, we do not do the work it takes to be in a loving relationship from the beginning and we somehow think when things turn sour we can do the work right before it starts to burn and crumble, but then, it might be too late.

If you want the foundation of your relationship to be solid, do the work before you get married so the love will flow around it, in it, and through it.

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THE ASSIGNMENT

So here is my relationship advice for those who desire to turn their love around. These are only three steps, but they are powerful steps I share with my clients to start them moving in the right direction of becoming the woman they desire to be when it comes to having a loving and lasting relationship.

#1 Acknowledge What’s Going On

I had to get honest with the woman in the mirror and start doing the work of acknowledging what was going in the relationship and see why I allowed it to happen.  Believe it or not, there was something I was not seeing and it was not until I got clear about what I wanted that I started seeing what I did not like in him and myself.

My Old Way of Thinking

I lost myself in someone who didn’t know who he was, where he was going in life, or what he wanted out of it. I THOUGHT I needed a man to validate my worth but that was up to me.

My New Way of Thinking

Instead of blaming him for what happened, I had to get honest with myself and find out why I kept doing what I was doing, and how even when my soul was saying NO, my body was saying YES!

Regal Woman Tip: It takes a real woman to look in the mirror and identify what’s working for her and what’s not and make some changes!

#2 Identify The Part You Played

One of the most difficult tasks for a person with a broken heart or a negative self-image is admitting that they played a part in what they allowed to happen in their lives. We cannot control what happened in our past because it has already happened, but we can learn from the decisions we made and prevent it from happening over and over again.

My Old Way of Thinking

I didn’t know my worth so how could I expect someone else to know it?  I THOUGHT sex was the key to every good relationship, but it’s not.  Now what?

My New Way of Thinking

On a sheet of paper, I listed every good quality I possessed that made me the person I was.  Then I listed qualities in myself I didn’t like and I started challenging myself to become a different type of woman.

Regal Woman Tip: When I started working on myself, I started becoming confident in the woman in the mirror and I soon learned how to tell who wanted me body parts versus who wanted my heart.

#3 Recognize Who You Are

One of the reasons I stayed in that ungodly relationship so long was because I did not know who I was as a woman.  I did not know my worth and therefore I left it up to him to tell me.  I gave him too much power over my identity.  When I left that relationship I left feeling hopeless, ashamed, embarrassed, and rejected.

These are feelings you should never feel when someone loves you. Once again, I had to be honest with myself because transparency brings transformation.  I did not want to be in another ungodly relationship so I did the work and a year later, my husband came along.

My Old Way of Thinking

I was choosing HIM over ME.  It was always about what he wanted out of the relationship and not about what I needed.  I was allowing a man to choose me which made me feel like I had won a prize when he chose me. I was choosing a man based on fleshly qualities and there was no real connection, no direction, no progression and it withered like dead grass.

My New Way of Thinking

Mentally – Does he arouse my intellect? Spiritually – Does he have a plan for his life? Psychologically – Does he play mind games or is he truthful with me and himself? Emotionally – Does he show concern about my emotional well-being? Physically – Sex is not an award for good behavior

Regal Woman Tip: It took time for me to become the woman I wanted to be.  It did not happen overnight.  I failed a few times even after walking out of that relationship, but I was determined to do it God’s way this time.

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THE CHALLENGE

Leave a comment, share this blog with a friend, and then join a sisterhood of Regal Women who are glowing and growing in life and love.  

Dr. Patricia Shaw, Certified Professional Coach
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Dr. Patricia Shaw, Certified Professional Coach

Teaching women who struggle to move forward in life and love how to go from burn out and overwhelm to living a liberated life. Overflowing with confidence, beaming with clarity, grounded in a committment to who they are.

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