What’s Going On?
On episode #1 of my Podcast, The Soul of a Woman, titled The Encounter, I start the book Soul Ties, Unchain My Heart asking myself, “How did I get here? Why can’t I shake this man? He treats me as less than a person, but I keep going back to him? What started as a childlike love affair ended as a tumultuous tornado.”
In today’s society, many relationships are formed out of lust and not love. Webster’s dictionary defines lust is as: usually intense or unbridled sexual desire: lasciviousness
This statistic from singlemotherguide.com states,
“Once largely limited to poor women and minorities, single motherhood is now becoming the new “norm”.
This prevalence is due in part to the growing trend of children born outside marriage — a societal trend that was virtually unheard of decades ago.
About 4 out of 10 children were born to unwed mothers. Nearly two-thirds were born to mothers under the age of 30.
According to 2018 U.S. Census Bureau, 4 out of about 11 million single-parent families with children under the age of 18, more than 80% were headed by single mothers”
The Difference Between Love And Lust
What is love? My definition of love comes from God and is found in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 and I’m reading from the New Living Translation
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
Before I met and married my husband I was in an ungodly relationship that was filled with lust; that unbridled sexual desire and as I said in a poem I wrote, my mind was saying no, but my body wasn’t letting go.
I couldn’t shake the physical or emotional soul tie I had formed with this man because I had gotten to know his body parts better than I learned his heart.
Lust captivates the mind and leaves you empty, but love captures the heart and leaves you longing for more.
1 John 2:16-17 says, “For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father but are from this world. And this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave. But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever.”
Three Signs It’s Lust And Not Love
- Lust is pushy – Love is patient.
If he’s not willing to wait for sex before marriage and your goal is to be celibate until you get married then that’s not love. Love shows respect and is willing to wait even if it’s difficult.
- Lust is selfish love is selfless. Lust wants to be gratified but love longs to satisfy. Being gratified is only a temporary solution but being satisfied is seeking fulfillment and satisfaction comes in marriage.
Lust wants its own way no matter what. Lust is a craving that can’t be satisfied and often, if the person doesn’t get it from you, they’ll seek to be gratified by someone else.
- Lust is restless. Love is restful
Lust doesn’t allow a person to rest because the hunger of the flesh can’t be satisfied but when it’s love you can rest knowing that the person you’re waiting on will be able to satisfy your sexual needs
As the scripture said, the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see
Asking The Hard Questions
- How did I get here? I got in the ungodly relationship because I wanted to satisfy my flesh
- Why can’t I shake this man? I couldn’t shake him because I created an ungodly soul tie with him that kept us connected like a husband and wife even though we weren’t married.
- He treats me like less than a person, but I keep going back to him. Even though he treated me wrong, I was drawn to him because of the lust that was in my eyes.
I learned how to set boundaries. Because I was weak in my flesh when it came to him, setting boundaries helped me learn self-control and having self-control in marriage is very necessary.
Proverbs 25:28 says, “a person without self-control is like a city with broken-down walls.”
In my book, the walls to Teresa’s heart were unguarded and she was the person Proverbs 25:28 was speaking of because she had no self-control when it came to her boyfriend Eric and she instantly connects with him. In a crowded room, without saying one word to her, he caught her eye and he had her at hello.
The lust in her eyes caused her to want what she saw because she had not set any boundaries for herself. In order to have a happy and healthy relationship you must be able to recognize your emotions about the person you’re in a relationship with. If you know you have a strong physical desire for the person you’re dating then work on establishing some boundaries and enforce them because boundaries are not for the other person, they’re for you.
How Did I Stop Falling For Satan’s Tricks?
First, I realized I was no match for the enemy and that took listening to women of faith and receiving what they were telling me. A lot of times we listen, but we don’t hear. Hearing holds on to what is said for a little while but makes no changes. Listening takes ownership of what happened and makes changes.
Romans 7:18 says, “And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t.”
See, I had the can’t help its, or so I thought until I learned how to set boundaries which helped me guard my heart so I wouldn’t keep making the same mistakes over and over again.
Satan is on a mission to steal, kill, and destroy and if you allow him, he’ll use the man you give your heart to, the man you bare your soul to, and the man you trust to conf(USE) you because he twists everything good God created and makes it look bad. His mission is to make you think his plan is better than God’s plan and bury you in the plot he created for you.
Second, I learned how to create boundaries for myself while I was dating and waiting and on my way to the alter. Boundaries in romantic dating relationships are NOT for him, but for you.
The enemy knows exactly what type of man you like and he will send him your way and at your most vulnerable moment, he will strike.
As a woman, when you learn to set real boundaries, meaning, you set them and you stick to them, then you can take a step backward and look at him for who he is and make a wise decision.
5 Steps For Setting Boundaries
Step 1: Clarify Your Boundaries
Question: What behavior does he engage in that bothers you? Example: He shows up at your door without calling at all times of the night. He calls or text when it’s convenient for him.
Step 2: Set Clear Boundaries
After you identify what bothers you, set boundaries based on those issues. Example: Set a timeframe where you won’t accept his call or text and make sure you share it with him.
Step 3: Enforce Your Boundaries
Enforcing boundaries is usually the hardest part to follow through with. Example: You tell him not to call you after 10. If he’s used to calling you all times of the night, this may be difficult but it’s doable. Turn the ringer off and don’t answer the call or the text if it’s after 11.
You teach people how to respect you by your actions or inactions.
Step 4: Remove The Guilt
If he was used to treating you any type of way, if he’s an ungodly man, he’ll make it seem like you’re a bad person for wanting to protect yourself. But if he truly loves you, he’ll come to understand you’re not doing anything to hurt him.
Step 5: Consistency Is Key
Start with small boundaries and grow from there. When you’re consistent with enforcing smaller boundaries and he’s respecting them, you feel empowered and more confident in life. The more confident you are, the easier it gets to set boundaries in all areas of your life.
I’d love for you to read along with me and download my podcast, The Soul of a Woman and get your copy of my book from Amazon for only $4.97 Soul Ties, Unchain My Heart
Just know, if you buy the book from my website, I will add you to my email list and just like that you’ll have a new friend.
How awesome is that?
Let’s get started!